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'WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM *NOT* ON TV!'

How To Lose That Extra Weight!

Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities, and the number of calories per hour they consume.

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight). . . .50-300

Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300

Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225

Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12

Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Covering your tracks . . . . . . . . . 165
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25

Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6
Cracking a smile . . . . . . . . . . . .35
Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

Making Coffee Correctly!

Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

What Have You Done???

A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms.

As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. "Young man, where are your scruples? Isn't there anyone too low for you to defend?"

"I don't know, " Ernie says, "What have you done?"

A Business Tip

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

    "I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

    "Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked.

    "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said.

GOING DEAF

    For over 30 years Dave had worked in construction in New York City. Those many years working around loud machinery had taken its toll on Dave's body and he began to fear that he was losing his hearing.

    So Dave went to the doctor and told him the problem. He explained to the doctor that things had gotten so bad that he couldn't even hear himself fart.

    The doctor examined Dave and then gave him some pills.

    Dave asked, "Will these help me to hear better?"

    The doctor replied, "No. They will make you fart louder."

CHARACTER STUDY

    Do I look that shady? I just got a GPS for my car, and my first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me into the store. While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice stated, "Lost satellite contact."

    I wasn't embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said, "Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you."

Missing Hubby Police Reported

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.

"Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him, Mother didn't come after all."

Understanding The Way Banks Work

Closing out my account with the local credit union, the teller had me sign some forms and then handed me a check for my balance. I told her I would like to cash it immediately.

"Oh, no," she replied. "You don't have an account here."

Why Cats Are Better Than Men

**A cat always hits the litterbox.

**You have a better chance of training a cat.

**You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.

**If you ask enough times, a cat may actually LISTEN to you.

**You can de-claw a cat... try to get a guy to clip his toenails.

**A cat knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks He is.

Mooned!

A boy came home from school with a zero on his paper.

"Why did you get a zero?" his mother asked.

"That's not a zero!" the boy answered. "My teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me the moon."